@StellaRtwot: I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can't find me drinking in the closet.
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@LaziestCanine: [teenage girl reading horoscope tweets] "Gemini's go to sleep when they are tired" HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO ME
@EtobicokeErnie: My neighbour is on his front porch wearing a Halloween mask and oven mitts while trying to remove a wasps nest. This should be interesting.
@UncleDuke1969: [Heaven] Me: What happened? God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus. Me: I only have one ques- God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
@BromanConsul: "It doesn't say anywhere that you have to EAT them, you see," I explain to the Olive Garden waitress as my breadstick kingdom adds a library