I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
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*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.