“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
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“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
i can’t wait that long
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here