“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
You Might Also Like
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
What?!?
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human