I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
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Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Was it something I said?
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?