I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
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A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.