Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
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Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
pep talk
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”