You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
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Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Hank is one in a melon.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.