[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
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*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
The devil.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.