I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
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My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime