@Crunch11b: I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
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@InnocentMarina6: You know why most americans love minions so much? Because they resemble Twinkies..
@murrman5: [looking at wife's tombstone] today would've been our anniversary *falls to knees* why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
@sixthformpoet: I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
@LackOfShame: "How can I waste ten seconds of someone's time and make total strangers hate me?" - Credit card chip inventor - Me, writing tweets