I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
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Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs