“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
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There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Children of the corn 🌽
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.