I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
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I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.