I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
You Might Also Like
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Ok but actually
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
😂😂
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
#math
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!