I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
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me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message