I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
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3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
accurate
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.