I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
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Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.