How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
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Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Miscakes
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.