I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
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I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Boom, boom, ching!
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!