I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
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I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
moms in horror movies
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again