I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
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Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.