I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
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Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
lost dog
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
satan: not today, microsoft teams