@DanLaMorte: I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I'm stuck and going nowhere with them
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@nottheworstmom: *RSVP’ing to Christmas party* Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate? Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
@KeetPotato: [at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking] "YOU NEED TO LEAVE" me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: "I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS"
@Vodkantots: Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma'am? Me: Do these jeans make me look fat? Cop: You're free to go.