I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
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When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
sigh
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Godspeed, John Glenn
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
🤣😈🤣