*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
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“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.