Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
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My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…