@ScarletStoner: I look suspicious doing anything. You could walk in on me heating up a hot pocket and my face could look like I just murdered my family.
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@SuperRandomish: Fun prank: Just leave random "I'm sorry I hit your car" notes on people's cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
@aka_fatman: Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway. Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident. Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
@mattgallo123: <job interview> It says here on your resume that you are a "self-proclaimed man of few words." Would you like to elaborate on that? Me: no
@TomTheWicked: If I've learned anything from Twitter, it's that you shouldn't be learning on Twitter.