When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
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*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.