I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
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the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves