I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
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16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Bros before Ohioes
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
superterriblemorningexpialidocious