I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
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My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.