I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
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[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
this is 10/10 content no notes
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.