“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
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Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Love is in the air fryer.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.