I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
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If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree