@ZachXJ: I lost 50 pounds by having my wallet stolen in London AND YOU CAN TOO
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@ruraljules: Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn't talking to me either
@Storminika: A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I'm like 'Well, your Dad's an alcoholic. Scram!'
@XplodingUnicorn: [loud crashes] Me: What was that? 4-year-old: Nothing. Me: 4: Me: OK. Parenting is easier than it looks.