‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
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My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Who did it better?