@ZachXJ: I lost 50 pounds by having my wallet stolen in London AND YOU CAN TOO
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@Ristolable: You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
@BaileyXPaige: [at the gym] Trainer: "Why don't you tell me what your workout goals are." Me: "Goals? I'm just here so I don't eat for an hour."
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Me: (squeezing into a gown) I'm so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children? Disney Store clerk: Yes.