The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
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there’s probably a fee though
Simple enough.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
They did not miss in the small print
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here