I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
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Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere