I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
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[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu