Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
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You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.