@HeyZeus666: I lost a very dear friend and drinking buddy in a tragic accident this weekend. He got his finger caught in a wedding band.
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@leechee420: Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, "wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size."
@DaddyBeerGuy: Boss-You're Always the first one here! Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right? *gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: What sound do dogs make? 3-year-old: Woof woof. Me: Horses? 3: Neigh. Me: Pigs? 3: Sizzle sizzle. Somebody understands bacon.
@Smooheed: Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards