daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
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Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Greeting humans vs their dogs
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.