[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
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Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now