Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
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Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
True?
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases