@TjSmooth0: I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I'm worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
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@Mike_Bianchi: Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
@curlycomedy: Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
@Tmoney68: Led Zeppelin's "In My Time Of Dying" is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
@Heartblakekid15: Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it's half empty? Me: cause you're a pessimist!