@TjSmooth0: I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I'm worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
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@JimmerThatisAll: Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
@DanMentos: *runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN'T LOCALLY SOURCED *sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
@jazmasta: "I feel like a failure, doc. I've got 5 boys and they ALL work as hotel valets" "Wow this is the worst case of parking sons I've ever seen!"
@DamienFahey: 13 Types of Regret You'll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won't Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline