I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
You Might Also Like
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
iPhone X
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Wise advice
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE