@kelkulus: I lost my balance on an escalator and fell down the stairs for 2 hours.
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@Brianhopecomedy: *wife stares at me* *I stare at her* *she frowns* *I smile* "You didn't notice my new-" "NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES." "Dress."
@djdarrellripley: It's true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there's an important lesson here... Don't have kids.
@MissNaughty1801: Me:what did daddy say when he broke his phone? 7y:can I repeat swear words? Me: no 7y: he said nothing then