@DanielleBreeden: I lost my car chapstick and now my book bag chapstick is in my room and my room chapstick is in my car and my whole life’s outta wack
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@NewDadNotes: DHS: Do you known Anakin Skywalker? Darth Vader: Im An... DHS: he owes 22 years back child support for twins Darth Vader: I think he died
@Brianhopecomedy: *2 year old runs by screaming* *72 ducks chasing her* "YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF THE BREAD."
@freypalm: Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds? My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It's on me.
@ThatBrenna: People are like snowflakes. When they pile up on my car windshield, it's difficult to drive.