@jonnysun: the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road

@DomesticGoddss: Me: I'll be ready in 2 minutes! 7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO! Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.

@KalvinMacleod: GENIE: you have three wishes. ME: sweet, I wish for pie. GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.

@AndrewNadeau0: People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.

@GaryJanetti: Apple is developing an iPhone that pregnant women can swallow so fetuses can go online since they have nothing else to do in there.