[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
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Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
When you kidnap a writer.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.