@brianbowman73: I was once put in the 'friend zone," but with perseverance that all changed. I'm now in the 'must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.'

@better_off_dad: *calls out under the bed Me: Are you still there? Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

@Ham_Tornado: New children's book I'm working on: "Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak".

@Contwixt: "I need a timing belt & power steering for my life" I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.

@rebrafsim: Son: daddy why is the sky blue? Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled