When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
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2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.