I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
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Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out