I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
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It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
A Match(.com), but for socks.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Found my door mat
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.