I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
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Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs