I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
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Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]