@Darlainky: Poker is a game of pretending you've got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.

@HolycrapitsaKat: No thanks "protected account". You can't trick me into following you! For all I know, you could be a vegan.

@garthinkingcap: Throughout history they've removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah "Loofifer."

@Chumpstring: BARTENDER: taste this beer ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can't even BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it ME: hmm... yeah that explains it

@prattprattpratt: If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.